Wives, Let Him Go to the Gate

Shortly after we got married, a missionary friend shared with my husband that early on in their ministry he was struck by what a beautiful singing voice his wife had, and he instantly felt the weight of responsibility. He knew he was accountable for how he used his own talents and abilities, but now as a married man he was a steward of his wife’s gifts as well. He couldn’t just leave her gifts from God at the starting line and move on. How could he enable her? It’s been almost nine years since my husband shared that conversation with me, and I have never forgotten it.

Hi. I’m Brittany Hicks, married to Ben Hicks. We have four children ages 7, 6, 4, and 1, and baby number five is due in October. Since we’ve been married, Ben has earned a PhD, written and published many small group Bible studies for our church, started, lead, and taught in our church’s Bible institute, taught Greek and New Testament dual credit courses in our school, taught in foreign countries, published journal articles, presented at conferences, and I am sure I’m forgetting something – all while being a pastor and a wonderful husband and dad. In our current stage of life, it is necessary that I stay behind and care for our children and home while he is away. I want you to know that I have regretted approximately zero of these endeavors we’ve chosen. In fact, quite the opposite.

I knew when we first started dating that he had potential, as I am sure you have seen in your husband as well. “Potential” is kind of an ominous word – something great could happen, or it could not. What makes the difference? Obviously, our husbands’ own relationship with the Lord is going to be the #1 determining factor of how useful they can be in their service to God. If they aren’t right with God, actively growing, and humbly dependent on Him, it’s a non-starter. But if he is right with God and growing, what is the second most determining factor of his usefulness to God? Wives, I think we’re it.

When some of these opportunities first presented themselves over the last few years, I read Proverbs 31:23 with fresh eyes.

Her husband is known in the gates

when he sits among the elders of the land.

And it hit me in a new way: she let him go to the gates. The gates were a place of business, law, and civic decisions, and being known in the gates and sitting among the elders indicates great leadership and influence. Part of me hates this verse because I love my husband’s company and metaphorically wilt when he is gone (plus, it’s a lot of work staying behind and taking care of things on the home front, and it doesn’t hold the exciting novelty of traveling for the various opportunities). But, the other part of me is absolutely elated because I think he has wonderful talents that God can use and I get to be a part of making it happen! It’s hard, but also special. I know I’m not the only one in this dilemma.

There’s an old fable of a boy who tells his grandfather there are two “wolves” battling inside him – one is selfish, greedy, and prideful, while the other is loving, peaceful, and humble. When the boy asks his grandfather who will win, he replies, “Whichever one you feed.” When we’re faced with a new opportunity that God has given our husbands, which type of wife in us wins out? Let’s think through some considerations.

All I have belongs to God, including my husband.

James 1:17 says “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights.” You may have heard a story that goes something like this: two parents think through what to give their 14-year-old son for Christmas. He’s grown a lot this year and has become a responsible, thankful, and hardworking young man. They know he’d love to have a video game console, and with his grades and extracurricular activities going very well, they think he is ready for it. He is delighted at the gift! He is so grateful and excited to try it out, but over the rest of winter break, he spends more and more time on it. When he’s not playing, he’s constantly thinking about his favorite games. He constantly talks about video games with his friends and that’s all they want to do together, and when asked to turn the system off for family time, he has a bad attitude. Uh-oh. The gift they meant to be such an enjoyable blessing to him has become an all-encompassing idol.

You see where I’m going with this. My husband is a precious gift from God. Outside of forgiveness in Christ, he is the best gift from God I’ve ever received. I can’t begin to express my gratitude and admiration! But I can’t hoard him. All of his time does not belong to me. All of his talents and potential do not belong to me as his ultimate and final gatekeeper. Our husbands are a gift from a loving God who intends to use them. Let’s not deceive ourselves into thinking they were ever exclusively ours to begin with.

I am responsible for what I do with the resources I have, including my husband.

In Matthew 25:14-30, we read the Parable of the Talents. A man goes on a journey and leaves talents (roughly twenty years’ wages for a laborer, according to a footnote in the ESV) to each of his servants – to one he gives five talents, to another he gives two, and to the last he gives one. The servant with five talents makes wise business decisions and earns five more. The servant with two talents also doubles his allotment. But the servant with one? He buries it out of fear.

In another parable, we read of the Pearl of Great Price. A merchant finds it and sells all that he has in order to purchase it. How much do we value God’s kingdom? Is it really worth all that we have? Actions speak louder than words.

Every Christian is responsible for the choices we make with the resources we have. Our homes. Our time. Our own talents and abilities. Our husbands’ talents and abilities. One day, we will give an account for what we have done, and I, for one, do not want to stand knowing that I kept my husband from serving God to the fullest because I couldn’t bear the sacrifice.

I will reap rewards for what I have done with the resources I have, including my husband.

“Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.” If we go back to the Parable of the Talents, what do the faithful servants receive? Commendation, a greater part in the master’s plan, and entering into “the joy of [their] master.” Can you imagine what that might look like for us? I want to know! I recently heard a missionary say something like this when giving his report and charge to the church, “Many missions presentations emphasize the great need around the world and how that need goes tragically unmet, but I want to take a different approach.” He paused and smirked. “There are heavenly rewards out there! And if you don’t want them, that’s fine. I’ll take them.” Heavenly rewards await – let’s go get them! Sometimes that means giving of our own time and talents, and sometimes it means the harder task of giving of our husband’s time and talents. It feels like a loss, but there is much to be gained.

Now, a couple of caveats are worth mentioning. First, I know everyone’s situation is different, and therefore the opportunities that couples say “yes” to will vary. Some couples have family in town that can easily help fill in gaps (I do not). Some wives can easily travel with their husbands (I cannot). Some couples have children with special needs that require an extra measure of consideration (I do not). Some wives have serious and limiting health concerns (I do not). The challenges vary, and not every family will be able to take on the same responsibilities, but let’s not forget that we do not know all of the challenges that faced the Proverbs 31 woman either. Challenges vary, and every family has to carefully consider the responsibilities they assume.

Second, I don’t want to give the impression that it’s easy. Encouraging our husbands to “go to the gates” does come at a cost. As I write this, my husband is in the country of Lebanon speaking to a gathering of pastors from around the Middle East. We had plans for my parents to stay with us while he was away, but unfortunately, they were prevented due to a sudden health issue. Then, my sister-in-law was going to come into town, but she was prevented by car trouble. And then, almost as if on cue, a child has had a fever for the past three days. I will be honest with you – disappointments like these almost always happen. A migraine hits. My kids and I all test positive for strep. Someone starts throwing up. Last year, my husband had to return quickly because I won a 24-hour pass to the hospital for IV pain meds and kidney stone surgery. That was fun. These things actually make me more certain we’re on the right path. After all, Satan is not going to just let us waltz into greater usefulness for God’s kingdom and come away unscathed! I do not regret one of the endeavors we have chosen. It is not the easiest path, but it is a truly blessed one.

My husband belongs to God, and so does yours. We will give an account for how we encouraged – or hindered – them in using their gifts. God’s kingdom is really worth it. And we will be greatly rewarded.

Do you think your husband has great potential to be used of God? Act like it. Let him go to the gates. And may God richly bless you for any sacrifice you make.