How Do I Respond to My Gay Family Member?

Last week I wrote on how you should respond to your gay friend. The long and short of it is that in 1 Corinthians, Paul teaches that we should be more careful around sinning believers than sinning unbelievers. Paul essentially teaches that we should expect unsaved people to do unsaved things. When the Christian in the pew next to you, however, sins and seems to get away with it, that can pollute the church and tarnish her reputation (1 Corinthians 5:6-8).

This means that if someone claims to be a Christian but lives in unrepentant sin (including but not limited to homosexuality), then you should not associate with them (1 Corinthians 5:11). All of this seems pretty straightforward, but there is a wrench that can be thrown into this nice, neat paradigm: what if the person is a family member?

A Tough Question

Much of my thinking on this began while teaching an apologetics class. I gave my students the chance to ask any question, and one student basically asked, “What do I do at Thanksgiving if my sibling living a gay lifestyle shows up?” I had confidently told them I would answer all their questions in class, so I was stuck. It was a hard question, and I didn’t know that I had any nice, clean, easy answer. So I did what any good assistant pastor worth his salt would do, I went to my church’s senior pastor and asked him what he would say. His advice was spot on, as is often the case for senior pastors.

He gave me the following hypothetical that made some of these issues clear. Let’s say you have a man who is church-disciplined for behavior the church finds unacceptable. Let’s further say that this does not involve violence or abuse against his family, and it does not involve any infidelity. When he is brought before the church, if the process of discipline has been carefully followed, what should his wife do? Well, she should participate in church discipline and if necessary vote to have him removed from the membership. What about the ride home? Should she ignore him? Refuse to eat with him? No, because although he is no longer a member of her church, she has a family responsibility to him.

I have found this distinction to be very helpful. There are relationships that I have with people through my church, and Jesus teaches these bonds should run deeper than even family bonds (Matthew 12:46-50). But when those church bonds are dissolved because of unrepentant sin, the family bonds still remain. A wife still has a duty to her husband, a husband to her wife, a parent to a child, and so on. To use another example, if a couple apostatizes in their old age and turns their back on Christ, does that mean their children no longer have a duty of care? The Bible is pretty clear that children should honor their parents, and that honor involves care (1 Timothy 5:4-8). I don’t see any qualifications on that, and I don’t think the Lord would be honored by godly children saying, “Tough, mom and dad. You left the faith. You can take care of yourselves.”

None of this means, of course, that someone can’t confront sinning family members. Family members can and often should find appropriate ways to confront other family members and seek to point them back to Christ. But what this does mean is that cutting unrepentant, sinning family members off, as one does in church discipline, is not how a family member should respond.

Bring on the Caveats

“But wait!” you might exclaim. And then go through a list of possible exceptions or mitigating circumstances. I know that, because as I’ve thought through this, there are a number of exceptions that come to mind. Let’s go through a few.

First, there is the question of danger, especially for a wife and children, separation may very well be necessary. As pastors we have a duty of care to the abuser and to the abused in such situations. And depending on the situation, recommending separation could be the best course of action. This is best for the wife and children, obviously, as it protects them from danger. This is also best for the abuser, as he realizes that his sin will have consequences and could cost him everything. Separation will also prevent the abuser from continuing his sinful behavior that invites the wrath of a God who protects the weak and the helpless.

There is often the question of influence. Especially when dealing with older siblings who have gone astray, there can be honest questions about how much contact that sibling should have with his brothers and sisters. Now, it often won’t be easy knowing exactly how to communicate that, or even to know what the right balance and amount of contact there should be. Those will be wisdom decisions that need to be made case by case.

Finally, there is the question of enablement. Obviously, Christians should not do anything that will help someone else sin. Support for a family member ought to be done as much as possible in a way that does not enable sinful behaviors. How this works out will, again, be a wisdom decision. I can’t give a one-size-fits-all strategy, but I recognize that this can be a legitimate tension point.

Love Them

This article has focused on LGBTQ family members, but of course it applies more broadly. The general principles of church discipline, which apply to homosexuality and a host of other sins, don’t work the same way once we’re in the realm of families. We remove people from the church, out of love, to show them the seriousness of their sins. But we don’t remove people from our families. We continue to show love and a willingness to connect and meet. Family obligations are not the same as church family obligations.

As we discussed, there can be complicating factors. Of course there would be, because sin makes things complicated. There may be times when a certain degree of care needs to be taken, for protection (both physical and spiritual), or to prevent enabling sinful behaviors. But all of this should be done with a spirit of humility, bathed in prayer, and with an undeniable love for the erring family member.

One thing that has stuck out to me about the way God works is what we find in Romans 2:4 “Or do you despise the riches of his kindness, restraint, and patience, not recognizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?” I’ve seen this. I’ve waited for God to come down hard on people for their sin, and instead watched in wonder as God slowly wooed them back with His kindness (cf. Hosea 2:14-15). When it comes to the church, love looks like a kind removal. When it comes to the family, love often looks like a kind patience.