Parenting for the Right Purpose

Parenting is a difficult, painful process. Parenting is messy because it is one broken sinner seeking to use his or her God-given authority to help a far less mature, similarly broken sinner develop physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It seems that the longer I parent, the more I see the flaws in my own parenting and the less confident I am about my abilities. I doubt I’m the only one who feels this way.

I once heard a speaker describe God’s work in our lives, particularly in areas like parenting and marriage, as being like looking at a slide through a microscope. We see something ugly that doesn’t belong. God works in our lives and we address sin, and we start to think we are doing pretty well spiritually. Then we get married, or have kids, or God begins pointing out something rotten in our spiritual life, and suddenly it’s like the microscope has been switched to a more powerful lens. We begin to discover new levels of our own sinfulness. Stains of selfishness, pride, or apathy that we hadn’t seen are brought to light as God continues His good, sanctifying work on us.

One way in which God has been increasing the focus in my own life has been by exposing my motivations in parenting. I can do the “right” things: hold my kids to the right standards, be consistent in my correction, even use Scripture to point out where they are wrong and call on them to repent. But if I’m not careful I can find myself doing all these things for the wrong reasons. Looking at the example of God in His parenting has shone a light on the often faulty ways that I parent.

God’s Example in Parenting

While the New Testament may not use the word “parenting,” it does use the word discipline in Hebrews 12. The Greek word here is paideia, which is a general term for child rearing. The author’s main point in this passage in Hebrews is that we should be thankful for God’s discipline, as counterintuitive as that might seem. Why would we be thankful that God is disciplining us? Well, first because it is a sign of God’s love, so being disciplined means you are part of the family (Hebrews 12:5-8). The author goes on to make a second point, though, that God’s discipline is for our good (Hebrews 12:9-10). This is true even if we don’t like it in the moment (Hebrews 12:11).

Here we see a contrast drawn between the discipline that we receive from God, and the discipline that we receive from our earthly fathers. Our earthly fathers did the best they could, but they made mistakes and messed up. Yet for the most part, we respect that they did the best they could even if they were imperfect. But not so with God. God’s goal in discipling me, as well as in disciplining my children, is so that we become holy and righteous. And unlike earthly fathers, God never makes mistakes. His discipline, correction, and parenting are perfectly calculated to produce righteousness in our lives, even if it is painful in the moment.

Following God’s Example in Parenting

So if God’s goal in His parenting, His discipline is for our good, do we do the same with our children? Sometimes we fail in reaching God’s standard because we are frail humans and make mistakes. I make a wrong assumption and rebuke a child who has not done anything wrong. I forget to fulfill something I had told my child I would do and now they are hurt and have lost respect for me. But sometimes I fail to follow God’s example because my purpose in parenting isn’t really to bring about holiness in my child. Sometimes my goal in parenting is much more shallow.

At times my motivation can be downright selfish. I want my kids to stay in bed simply because I want to enjoy the last bit of my evening, and I don’t want my kids to interfere. Sometimes this can be somewhat altruistic. It bothers me when my kids complain about the dinner my wife made, or when they make absolutely ridiculous statements about how she never does anything for them (for the record, she does A LOT for them). Being in full-time ministry, I can begin to worry that if my children misbehave it will reflect negatively on Christ and hurt my ministry. Any parent knows there are dozens of wrong reasons to correct your children: embarrassment, annoyance, anger, frustration, impatience, discouragement, and the list could go on.

But whatever the reason, whether not wanting to get out of bed or sticking up for my wife, it’s all too easy to forget the main thing. When addressing my child’s behavior, I need to be concerned about correcting them for their good, not for my convenience, or reputation, or even for my wife’s honor. God corrects us for our good, to bring about our righteousness. Yet often I correct my children trying to bring about conformity so that I am less annoyed, embarrassed, or frustrated.

Making a Difference

In many ways, the actions I take may not look radically different on the outside. I may still say the same words and give the same consequences. But when the motivation behind my speech and actions is genuine love and concern for my child, as opposed to some other reason, they will be able to tell. And remembering what the main goal is—Christlikeness—will help me remember that the way I speak and act matters almost as much as what I say. The tone in which you ask the question “What were you doing?” matters a whole lot. If you are angry, you’re going to incite anger (Proverbs 22:24-25). If you’re humble, patient, concerned, yet firm, you will hopefully prick a conscience.

God is the perfect Father. I am not, not even close. But I want to be a better father, and the best way to do that is by considering the perfect Father. One important parenting example God leaves us in Hebrews 12 is to discipline with the right perspective: the ultimate righteousness of the one being corrected. Doing so will remind us how over our heads we are, how desperately we need God’s help, and how important it is that our correction look like the one who always corrects His children in love.