Regarding Physical Abuse in Marriage

With the firing of Paige Patterson at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, the way pastors have counseled physically abused women has become a serious topic of discussion. It is important that God’s people go on the public record regarding the topic of physical abuse in marriage.

The Bible, in no place, condones physical abuse of spouses.

It clearly condemns physical abuse. Colossians 3:19 commands that husbands not treat their wives “bitterly” or “harshly.” This statement refers to harshness in word and attitude the and therefore would clearly forbid any form of physical abuse. This would include hitting, slapping, punching, pushing etc. but also includes threatening physical harm to a spouse or others. Such behavior is sinful and criminal regardless of whether it is a husband or wife that does it.

Positively, 1 Peter 3:7 says that husbands must dwell with their wives “according to knowledge.” They must know and understand their wives. Gaining such knowledge requires patient observation and communication. Husbands are required to “honor” their wives as the “weaker vessel.” They are required to treat their wives as someone who is delicate and precious. This can only be accomplished through gentleness. Such requirements are the polar opposite of abusive behavior.

An abused spouse can, and probably should, separate.

Women are not required to remain in dangerous circumstances or to keep their children in circumstances where they are in physical danger. This may be the specific situation Paul was considering in 1 Corinthians 7:11 with his “but and if she depart” comment. Separation in some form is an appropriate response based upon biblical principles of self-preservation. Jesus Himself on several occasions chose to escape danger (Luke 4:29-30, John 8:59) and Paul was let down over the wall in a basket to escape those that would do him harm (2 Corinthians 11:32-33). If it is possible for Jesus and Paul to escape from danger, it should also be allowable for those who are often most vulnerable.

An abused spouse has a responsibility to protect the physical well-being of children.

We can, and should, in some cases, turn the other cheek for the sake of the gospel (Matthew 5:39 is probably more about receiving a serious insult rather than enduring physical abuse.*), but we do not have the right to make that choice for someone else. Parents have an obligation to teach, nurture and protect their children. The well-being of children is extremely important to Jesus Himself (Matthew 18:10, Luke 17:2).

When crimes are committed, they should be reported. Remaining and tolerating abuse will only lead to more serious abuse. Christians believe that through repentance and the ministry of the Word of God by the Holy Spirit, people can be transformed and relationships can be restored. Biblical love hopes all things (1 Corinthians 13:7). Taking such abuse seriously is an act of love toward all parties involved and is the first step toward repentance and restoration.

Churches, Counselors and Christian Schools must take steps to prevent abuse.

There are some important ways in which we can do this; I will just mention a couple here.

We can teach about abuse in churches and in Christian Schools. For the last several years I have been teaching a unit on domestic abuse to our high school seniors in their Bible class. We talk about abusers, abuse, and how to recognize it. I want our girls to recognize an abuser before they marry him. I want our young men to understand what types of behaviors are sinful and absolutely forbidden. I want them all to know that physical assault behind the doors of marriage is sin and a crime.

We ought to talk about abuse in premarital counseling. I now require that all couples in premarital counseling visit National Domestic Violence Hotline and talk about whether they agree or do not agree with the definitions of abuse on this site. It is not a Christian site, but it is a great point to start a conversation. If a young woman is going to submit scripturally to a new husband, she certainly ought to know what he thinks is acceptable behavior within a marriage.

There is more we can do, but this is a start. We need to communicate more with each other as pastors, counselors, and Christian workers about what we can do to prevent abuse and help those who are mired in it.

This is an article where we really would appreciate comments, questions, and ideas.  Please respond if you can add to the discussion.

*See William Barclay, The Daily Study Bible Series: The Gospel of Matthew, Vol 1 (Revised Edition). p. 166.