I Love My Unbelieving Wife: How Can I Help Her Believe?
It is no easy thing to be the first believer in a household.
Though less common, sometimes a man comes to Christ before his wife. When he does, he obviously will do all he can to encourage his wife to come to Christ as well. In this earnestness to see his wife follow Christ, he may become frustrated at her continued unbelief, despite loving efforts.
The Danger of Frustration
When frustration sets in, loving efforts often get replaced with impatience and irritation resulting in tension. If a wife remains uninterested in the Gospel, the husband might even try to “make” his wife believe by making demands. He may try to make his wife go to church services or enforce new Christian practices in family life regardless of her opinion. Frustration and disappointment easily lead to anger and bitterness. These make loving communication impossible.
The Temptation of Divorce
In many cultures, divorce provides what seems to be an easy out when tension builds in a home. Men are particularly averse to strife at home. Proverbs 19:13 tells us, “a wife’s quarreling is a continual dripping of rain.”1 Proverbs 27:15-16 adds, “A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike; to restrain her is to restrain the wind or to grasp oil in one’s hand.” These Proverbs exist because men find it very hard to endure daily contention in marriage.
What do Christian men do when they seek to win a wife to Christ but find that strife and contention in the home has only increased? Should a Christian man with an unsaved wife ever seek divorce? What if she is especially antagonistic to his new faith? Wouldn’t it be simpler and better for everyone to divorce and remarry a Christian?
The apostle Paul made it clear that a believer should never seek a divorce over differences of faith. (1 Cor 7:1-18) Strife in the home is not grounds for a divorce.
If my wife is not interested in Christ, and tension continues to build, and divorce is not an option, what should I do?
What to do to honor Christ and win your wife
I believe that God gives a very clear path forward for men in this situation in 1 Peter 3. In this passage, Peter first addresses wives who seek to win an unsaved husband. But the passage does not end there. Peter speaks to husbands as well, those who seek to win an unbelieving wife. Here is the passage:
1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external–the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear– 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. 7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:1-7)
The verses the men like
In verses 1-6, God’s Spirit emphasizes through Peter that if a believing wife wants to win her unbelieving husband to the Lord, her transformed life is the key. He focuses on those areas of character that directly affect her relationship with her husband: respect and submission to his authority. This includes gentleness, purity, and a quiet spirit.
These character qualities make a wife a good helper to her husband in his service to God. As the Christian wife becomes more like Christ and changes in these ways, becoming what God intended her to be by His grace, her changed life becomes the greatest possible witness to her husband.
The verses the men need
Just as the changed life of the Christian wife is the greatest influence upon her unsaved husband, so, too, is the Christian husband’s changed life the greatest influence upon his unsaved wife. How are Christians to be transformed to display the power of the Gospel to their wives?
Verse 7 says that they must learn to “live with their wives in an understanding way,” “show honor to the woman as the weaker vessel,” and accept her equal status before God as “heirs of the grace of life” with them. This is a very significant verse for all men, especially those who seek to win their wives.
If a man wants to win his unbelieving wife, he must prove the power of the Gospel
Words are not the most effective witness–a changed life is.
He must live with his wife in an understanding way.
This means he must make his daily relationship with his wife important. He must take her needs and concerns seriously. It means he must know her and seek to please her. In other words, he must begin to truly love her.
The Amplified Bible reads, “Live with your wives in an understanding way (with great gentleness and tact, and with an intelligent regard for the marriage relationship).”
He must treat her as a woman.
Men forget this. While being equal in the sight of God, the husband and wife have different roles and abilities. The husband needs to live in the reality of these differences.
The woman, in some key areas, is a “weaker vessel.” Her physical strength is less than her husband’s. She may be emotionally weaker. She might be stronger than him in some ways, but her husband needs to take her gender limitations into account and not push her beyond her limits. He needs to look out for her and protect her. This intentional regard for her is key.
And when she believes, he must grow in yet more ways.
He must understand her equality in Jesus Christ.
The husband needs to understand that, even if he is called to lead the home, his wife should be as much one with Christ and an heir or the kingdom of God and eternal life as he is. She needs to be shown respect for her spiritual life and contributions to the home in this way. Husbands must learn to place a high value on the spiritual gifts of the wife.
A man who come to Jesus first does pray for his wife to also come to saving faith. This passage tells us that if husbands want their prayers to go up to God unhindered, they must take seriously their own walk with God. This radically affects how a man treats his wife. As men change and obey Christ, “their prayers will not be hindered.”
Most men will see contention greatly decrease in the home as they change. This change effectively displays the power of the Gospel to the unbelieving wife.
In our previous article, we looked at what a Christian wife of an unsaved husband should do to “win” her husband to the Lord.
Forrest and Jennifer McPhail minister in Cambodia, a predominantly Buddhist country. This article first appeared at Rooted Thinking, it is republished by permission.
Photo by Ben Tofan on Unsplash
- All Scripture quotations are in the ESV unless otherwise noted. [↩]