Dementia’s Drowning Caregiver

Let’s face it—every dementia patient has a person, usually family member, who serves as main caregiver. Any other caregivers that come into the home, serve as assistant caregivers.

Whenever I post about Ron’s dementia or his assistant caregivers, I point up something funny or good that happens. I usually share about the positive aspects of the day.

I, even I, have plenty of daily dementia negatives. What good does it do, to talk about them?

Don’t get me wrong, I have better assistant caregivers than most. I realize this and feel terrible for those of you main caregivers who don’t have it as good. I hear from you often, and my heart hurts for you.

It must be terribly defeating to hear about some other caregiver’s successes when you yourself are drowning.

Here are some tips I’ve discovered and possible ideas to help main caregivers. They are in no particular order.

1. No particular order that is, except for this one, first of all, I do mean this tip to be first. If you are a friend, fellow church member, or especially family member of a dementia patient—please step up. What does it take to give three to four hours of your week to a caregiver to let them get out of the house.

Maybe you can just mow the caregiver’s lawn. Maybe you can bring supper one night a week to their home and it doesn’t have to be homemade. If you are a family member and live out of town, you could come visit for 3 to 7 days and take over the main caregiver position. If you are a family member, you need to take on some of the responsibility. Please help!

2. If you can’t give of your time, you could support with your money—no amount is too small. Pay for someone to come clean the house once a month for the main caregiver. Pay for a Visiting Angel member to come help for 4 hours a week.

3. Play Christian music videos on your TV. If the dementia patient gets agitated, turn up the music. I know many of you tell me you turn on the Majesty Music YouTube channel, and it plays continuously, song to song.

4. Do whatever you can to get your sleep. If your patient takes a nap, you sleep too. Don’t give in to the urge to do the laundry and dishes. Rest!

5. Move in, you and your dementia loved one, to another family member’s home. Claim one bedroom with a TV in it, hospice bed, and comfortable chair.

6. Go see your doctor. Does your loved one qualify for hospice? Hospice comes in a lot earlier than they used to. If they believe your loved one only has two years left to live, you qualify. They send out someone to bathe a dementia patient 2 to 3 times a week. Hospice provides a social worker that makes sure you are supported. Hospice sends out a nurse to your home who comes twice a week, and a chaplain who comes once a month.

7. Get outside, for a brief walk or even just to sit.

8. Prepare healthy meals in advance and put in the freezer.

9. Many grocery stores do home deliveries and CVS does medicine home deliveries.

10. Call the Alzheimer’s Association in your area. Support groups are staring to meet again. Local Success in Aging Agencies offer classes for caregiving.

When my church asked me to play the piano for congregational singing last August, I was motivated to get out to church. I had been enjoying “couch church w/ coffee” for several years. But getting out of the house was invigorating and refreshing. To be honest, there are many Sundays I don’t feel like dressing up and going, but once I am there, I am grateful.

You must carve out time for yourself. Daily is best but not always possible. You may have to get up before the patient does or go to bed later than they do. Do a puzzle, read, or drink a hot cup of chamomile tea.

You must enlist others help!!! You cannot be a lone wolf caregiver. I could never make it by myself. You might remember my Ron went into a memory care facility for six months when Alyssa and I couldn’t handle it. We couldn’t move him, and he couldn’t move himself from sitting to standing. When he was up, he would wander out the front door. He needed constant waking hour care. I wasn’t making it.

If you know someone who is the main caregiver of a dementia patient, call or text and see if they are up for a visit. Ron loves it when a new face comes.

Do exhaustive research of all your options for help. Check with social security. Go to a recommended assisted facility and see if you qualify financially to put your loved one there. Even if it takes all your resources, I think I would do it. You can get a job. If you deplete yourself of your health, you won’t be able to work and support yourself anyway.

Don’t know if any of this is a help. If all else fails, call your pastor and let him know you are drowning. Certainly, someone in your church family will have some ideas. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Keep private messaging me. I don’t mind.

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Shelly Hamilton serves through Majesty Music and served with her husband Ron in the Patch the Pirate ministry. We republish her articles with permission.

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