Dealing with Anger
“Of the 7 deadly sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back—in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you” (Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking Transformed by Thorns, 117).
Anger has a way of doing the most harm to the one who gets angry. I read of a major-league pitcher who was sidelined for a large part of the season because of anger. When he was taken out of a game early, he stormed into the dugout and slammed his fist against a cement wall. The result: a broken pitching hand and several weeks on the bench. He learned the hard way about the folly of uncontrolled anger.
The newspaper reported a tragic incident of violence that took place in a South American country. A peasant killed his best friend while they were arguing about political differences. A retired chief of the army, one of the country’s finest intellectuals, had occasion to question the killer. “Why did you do it?” he asked. “You fought about politics, but why did you kill him?” In chilling words, the peasant answered, “We began peacefully, and we argued. I killed him when I ran out of words.” The man ended up paying with his own life for his anger.
Most of us will agree that when we get angry we lose much more than our temper. We say or do terrible things that we regret later, and we wish we could take them back. Let’s consider some practical illustrative suggestions for how to deal with anger.
Remember to Avoid the Vultures
A fable has been told about a young lion and a mountain goat. Quite thirsty, the animals arrived at a watering hole at the same time. They immediately began to argue about who would drink first. The disagreement became so heated that each decided he would rather die than give up the privilege of being first to quench his thirst. As they stubbornly confronted each other, their anger turned to rage. Just then something distracted them, and they both looked up. Circling overhead was a flock of vultures waiting for the loser to fall. That was all they needed to end their quarrel.
Don’t Drown in a Mud Puddle
A godly Christian, when talking about the spiritual dimension of life, said, “If you’re going to drown, don’t do it in a mud puddle.” He simply meant that he could understand why a person would struggle with his faith as a result of going through unusually deep waters of pain or grief. But he considered it utterly absurd that a believer would allow his testimony to be marred and his service rendered useless because of resentment over a small hurt or an ordinary disappointment.
King Uzziah let pride and envy cause him to break God’s clearly prescribed law regarding worship. He apparently resented the fact that he as king could not perform the task assigned to the high priest. So with presumption he intruded into the sanctuary, and God afflicted him with leprosy. After nearly fifty years of excellent rule, he had “drowned in a mud puddle.” How tragic!
Christians today can fall prey to a similar lack of discernment. A deacon lost the respect of his neighbors because he started a fight with the unsaved man next door over a bush on their lot line. Another man was hurt and left the church in a huff because the class he had been leading for a long time wanted another teacher. Both men allowed little problems to mar their witness.
Stop at the Start
In the spring of 1894 the Baltimore Orioles came to Boston to play a routine baseball game. But what happened that day was anything but routine.
The Orioles’ John McGraw got into a fight with the Boston third baseman. Within minutes all the players from both teams had joined in the brawl. The warfare quickly spread to the grandstands. Among the fans the conflict went from bad to worse. Someone set fire to the stands, and the entire ballpark burned to the ground. Not only that, but the fire spread to 107 other Boston buildings as well.
Let the Mud Dry
Anger is a strong, potentially destructive emotion. When you are personally offended and your feelings are hurt, for example, it’s always best to check that immediate reaction of wanting to “tell someone off.” Confrontation to resolve a difference may be necessary, but using restraint, allowing time to cool off, is always wise.
The story is told of a young man who had been insulted by an acquaintance and was very indignant. “I’m going at once to demand an apology,” he insisted. “My dear boy,” cautioned a wise old man, “take a word of advice from one who loves peace. An insult is like mud; it will brush off much better when it dries. Wait till you and he are both cool, and the thing will be easily solved. If you go now, it will only be to quarrel.” The young man heeded that counsel, and the next day the person who had insulted him came to ask for his forgiveness.
Calm Down before Responding
Anger can also cause us to do and say things we may deeply regret. A Christian gentleman told the following true story.
I remember a fellow who once wrote a nasty letter to his father. Since we worked in the same office, I advised him not to send it because it was written in a fit of temper. But he sealed it and asked me to put it in the mail. Instead, I simply slipped it into my pocket and kept it until the next day. The following morning he arrived at the office looking very worried. “George,” he said, “I wish I had never sent that note to my dad yesterday. It hurts me deeply, and I know it will break his heart when he reads it. I’d give fifty dollars to get it back!” Taking the envelope from my pocket, I handed it to him and told him what I had done. He was so overjoyed that he actually wanted to pay me the fifty dollars!
Keep Your Cool
Uncontrolled anger can kill just as surely as an automobile accident. Two motorists headed for the same parking place. Both stopped in front of it and refused to let the other in. Then they jumped out of their cars and started arguing. Tempers flared. Suddenly, the older man (who was seventy) collapsed to the ground from a heart attack. He was pronounced dead on arrival at a nearby hospital. A passerby who had stopped to cool down the two men walked away from the scene in disgust, saying, “It made me sick! All that tragic sorrow over a parking space!”
Failure to control our emotions can also cause less spectacular but almost as disastrous consequences. In a fit of rage a man might make a statement to his wife that will cause her pain for years. A church leader can destroy his influence by losing control in a crisis situation. In a moment of impatience a mother may shout at her teenager, stopping all communication between them.
In 2 Samuel 3 we see that David’s top military commander Joab hated Abner because Abner had killed his brother in battle. Joab also resented Abner as a rival. He yielded to his anger and slew Abner, which eventually led to his own execution (1 Kings 2:26–35).
Give a Gentle Answer
Coarse and abrupt speech is unbecoming to a Christian. Our language should demonstrate the tenderness of the indwelling Holy Spirit. Harsh words are like arrows that have been shot and can never be recalled. Gentle words, on the other hand, can silence evil and promote good.
C. H. Spurgeon told the story of a group of drinking men in Boston who saw a respected pastor coming along the street. “I’ll play a trick on old Cotton,” said one of them. Crossing over to the other side, the unruly fellow stepped up to the minister and whispered, “Cotton, you are an old fool!” The preacher calmly replied, “I am afraid I am. The Lord make both you and me wiser than we are, even wise to salvation.” The fellow returned to his companions thoroughly ashamed. When they pressed him to repeat Cotton’s words, their frolic came to an end. That minister’s gentle reply had silenced them.
Get Rid of the Grudge
Anger that remains unresolved and is harbored can turn into a deep-seated and dangerous grudge. It may lie hidden for years and be forgotten—repressed in the subconscious. It may stem from childhood where a parent’s conditional love or even neglect has left scars.
It may also be prompted by unjust treatment, as in the case of Jacob, who cheated his brother and stole the blessing. Esau’s anger was understandable, but what he did with it became a serious problem. He nursed it, harbored it, and bided his time until the day he could get even. Years of resentment robbed him of a warm relationship with his brother.
Charles Lamb once commented about a person he did not want to meet, “Don’t introduce me to that man! I want to go on hating him, and I can’t hate someone I know.” Such feelings are a costly luxury that must be renounced.
We can be crippled by our own anger. According to medical authorities, the emotion of hostility can be destructive to our bodies. Uncontrolled wrath, of course, injures the one against whom it is directed. But it also hurts the one who gets angry. When sinful anger is expressed toward those within our family circle, our loved ones feel the pain, and so do we. And when this powerful emotional force is unleashed in a church, people are felled by its blows. Sometimes the congregation never recovers.
Instead of bearing a grudge, we must bare our negative feelings before God in confession and ask for deliverance. Practically we must go to the individual and make things right with him or her. While seeking to get right with God and others, we should be continuing in praying for the person who has been the object of our anger. The practical part of finding ways to show love must be the final part of the equation. Resentment won’t last long when the object of our ill will becomes the special object of our good will.
Conclusion
Our Lord Himself is the greatest illustration of how to deal with anger. Yes, He had righteous indignation when sin was prevailing around Him. Even in such a setting, however, He was always in control—controlled by the Spirit of God as He submitted to the Father’s will. If we allow the flesh to dominate our lives, anger will be our constant companion. If we allow the Spirit of God to bring forth His fruit in our emotions and in our lives, we will be like Jesus Christ!
Dr. Bud Steadman is executive director of Baptist World Mission and has pastored churches in New Mexico, North Carolina, Virginia, and Indiana.
(Originally published in FrontLine • May/June 2013. Click here to subscribe to the magazine.)
Photo by Heather M. Edwards on Unsplash