Should Pastors Have Friends in the Congregation?

I was asked this question over Facebook recently.

Is it wise for a church leader (whether it be elder, pastor, pastor’s wife, etc.,) to have a close friendship with certain members of the congregation? (someone of his/her same gender). When a person is selective with his/her friendships, and shows more affection, interest, concern, to some members of the congregation than to others, other members may become jealous and it may open the door for criticism, gossip and dissension. I know God does not show favoritism (Romans 2:11) but I don’t know if this is a biblical principle to apply to this situation.

This is a common question in the ministry, and I think church members need to know the issues at stake for their pastor and his family.

When I started out in ministry, the common advice given to young pastors was not to develop close friendships with church members. The argument given was the same as above.  It will cause jealousy, division, and hinders the ability of leadership to hold church members accountable when necessary.

But there is a big problem. Pastors and their families are people who NEED friends.  Even though the needs of individuals vary, a ministry without friendships can be extremely lonely and discouraging.

Let’s start with biblical commands.

Titus 2 relationships are not only allowed, they are commanded. 

Just having “pals” in the church is not nearly as important as having close, God-honoring, discipleship and accountability relationships. “Best buddy” relationships that are about a closed social group can be very unwise. People will get jealous, they will feel like they are being shut out, and believe they are being treated unequally—and they are often right.

Titus 2 relationships are not always about older and younger believers. As the people we disciple mature in the faith, the relationship becomes more peer-oriented rather than just one-way mentoring. Those friendships are deep, God-focused, prayer-oriented and not just about fun.

They also are usually private. It’s not that we try to hide accountability relationships, but we do not flaunt them. If a person in ministry is in an accountability relationship with a person who flaunts it as a status symbol to the rest of the congregation the result will be division and discord.

Relationships must not be status-motivated.

If a member wants a friendship with a pastor because of the influence it gives him, then that is an unhealthy relationship. The same applies when a pastor seeks a relationship with a church member because he is wealthy, influential, or famous in some way. Motive is the issue though, and motive is a heart problem and not easily discernible.

Discipling friendships must never be exclusive. A person in ministry must be constantly opening themselves up to new friends and new discipling opportunities. If a church seeks to develop a culture of one-on-one discipleship and encourages everyone to be involved in such relationships, then people will begin to understand that the pastor—or pastor’s wife—can not do one-on-one discipleship for the entire congregation, and they will seek out others instead.

Small group ministries can be a God-send.

Great friendships are built in small-group ministries. These were a great help to my family in our church’s early years. We had multiple small groups in the church and our family was deeply committed to our own small group. We developed wonderful lasting friendships in that context.  Many, many times people suggested that I and my family roam to various small groups rather than sticking to just one, but I determined not to do it. My family needed its own small group in which to develop friends and grow—just like any other church family.

Peer relationships are essential.

It is very important for pastors and pastors wives to develop close friendships with other ministry couples. Even pastors’ kids need to develop friendships with other pastors’ kids.  There are burdens and experiences that only other people in ministry can share. These friendships must be developed deliberately. When our children were younger, we got together socially with two other pastors’ families about four times a year. I believe these were important healthy relationships for us to develop.

Church members and church leaders such as deacons should encourage their pastors’ families to develop peer relationships. Send them to retreats, encourage them to get together with ministry friends. Help pay their way if necessary. Healthy, happy pastoral families will benefit the entire congregation in the end.