Marriage, Yelling, and the Holy Spirit

Any pastor who has served for a period of years inevitably has counselled married couples who struggle in their marriage. The reasons for these struggles are quite varied, but rarely (if ever) one-sided in nature.

One significant area of struggle is communication between husband and wife. How does the husband speak to his wife? How does the wife speak to her husband? How do they respond to each other in the midst of conversations? How quickly do discussions elevate into yelling matches?

It is sad when conversations between a husband and wife end up sounding like WWIII with all kinds of verbal grenades being hurled at each other with the intention of attacking the other’s character and destroying the other’s confidence as a spouse.

My brethren, and sisteren, these things ought not to be so!

Since when does yelling at your spouse in anger ever accomplish the righteousness of God?

Or when is raising your voice with the intention of demeaning your spouse, or attacking their character ever in obedience to the Spirit of God in your life?

Yelling at your spouse in anger is NEVER a godly thing to do. It is NEVER something that is Spirit-led. PERIOD!

Galatians 5:16ff tells us that when we walk in the Spirit we will not fulfill the evil desires of the flesh, but rather the fruit of the Spirit will be produced in us.

Ephesians 5:18ff tells us that when we allow the Spirit of God to control us, our marriage relationship will be filled with beauty and grace, and reflect the gospel of Jesus Christ.

1 Peter 3:7 tells husbands particularly to treat their wives with great honor.

You should be able to testify as a married couple that throughout the duration of your marriage, you have not yelled at each other in sinful anger. The only time yelling at each other is acceptable is if the house is on fire or if there is some other emergency.

If you are a husband, do not yell at your wife. Learn to talk with her in a Spirit-controlled way. Love her; treat her with great respect and honor that she deserves as an image-bearer of God and as a helper suitable for you. She is your most precious earthly treasure. Treat her as such, even with how you talk.

If you are a WIFE, do not yell at your husband. Learn to allow the Spirit of God to control your tongue. Do not gripe, gossip, or nag your husband. Do not yell at him, but learn to treat him with great respect and honor that he deserves as an image-bearer of God and as the head of your home.

And by the way, it is not only what you say, but also the manner in which you say it. The form of your words matters just as much, if not more, than the content itself.

When my wife and I got married over 21 years ago, we made a commitment that we would not yell at each other unless the house was on fire, and by God’s grace, we have held true to that commitment (and thankfully the house has never caught fire).

Married couples will disagree with each other, but disagreements do not necessitate yelling matches to determine who gets their way. Learn to handle conflicts in a biblical way that honors God and honors the sanctity of your marriage.

How you talk to and about your spouse will go far in the instruction of other church members, your neighbors, and most notably your children. Are you setting the kind of example for others to see and to emulate, as you follow Christ?

For the glory of God, commit yourself through repentance and faith, to a marriage that does not yell at each other in sinful anger. Build your marriage through the perfect guidance of the Holy Spirit within you. He will never lead you away from Christ.

Taigen Joos is the pastor of Heritage Baptist Church in Dover, NH. He blogs here, where this article first appeared. It is republished here by permission.