A Marriage without a Sexual Relationship is Unbiblical

We do not often address this topic openly, but Paul did. I do cover this thoroughly in premarital counseling, but there are so many more people that need to understand this biblical truth. It is absolutely essential, not only to the quality marital relationship but to New Testament sanctification.

Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does (1 Corinthians 7:3-4).

So let me state it plainly. If you are withholding sexual affection from your spouse, you are sinning against her or him. Yes, you are. Let us look at the plain principles of this passage.

The desire for sexual relations is one of the legitimate reasons for marriage.

Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband (1 Corinthians 7:2).

Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge (Hebrews 13:4).

God made people who love each other to also be sexually attracted to each other. This is a good thing. Marital intimacy is spiritual, emotional, and physical. These cannot be divided from one another. For some, the physical attractions are greater than others. It is biblically inaccurate to treat someone with a greater sexual desire as inferior or one with less desire a superior spiritually. The one exception to this principle would be if a person ramps those appetites up through the use of pornography or some other means, but even then, the viewing activity is the sin, not the appetite. The sexual relationship is not dirty and not evil. It is the gift of God and the marital act should be one of the deepest moments of intimacy in a marriage.

Sexual Intimacy is a marital obligation.

A husband owes his wife sexual affection. The wife owes her husband the same. Yes, that is exactly what Paul is talking about here. There may have been some in the Corinthian church who had begun to abstain from all sexual activity even within the marriage relationship in a false understanding of spirituality. Corinth was a sexually deviant society. Fornication and adultery were not only common but were considered required aspects of civic and religious duty. We can understand the Corinthian believers overreacting to the sinful culture around them. Paul moves quickly to address this unhealthy and misguided response. He further clarifies. The wife’s body belongs to the husband. That would not have been a difficult case to make in the Ancient Middle East. But his next statement is shocking. The husband’s body belongs to the wife. It cannot be given to anyone else, and it must be given to the spouse.

This is the case even if the sexual appetites vary between the husband and the wife. In almost every marriage sexual appetites vary, and over the course of many years of marriage, they change. The compromises couples make toward one another in this area is one of the most beautiful aspects of married love.

Withholding intimacy is wrong.

Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer. . . (1 Corinthians 7:5a).

Of course, this passage would apply to situations where physical conditions might hinder normal sexual functions. There are situations where sexual relations are not physically possible or might be dangerous. That would be the exception. Paul is addressing physically healthy people. There might be times where a couple abstains, but that must be by mutual consent. In other words, unless BOTH of you agree, you must not abstain, but rather maintain a regular, healthy sex life. And even when both agree, the abstention should only be temporary.

To some people, this is an astounding concept. Their habit of withholding sexual relations from one another has blinded them.  Using the sexual relationship as punishment or reward in the sinful practice of manipulating one another kept them from seeing what a healthy sexual relationship should look like for a married couple.

This might be a good moment to remind Christians that while the sexual relationship is intended for procreation, it is also intended for much more. God created this relationship for pleasure and intimacy as well.

Withholding sex from your spouse opens him/her up to temptation.

. . .and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control (1 Corinthians 7:5b)

The behavior of others can never justify sin. Every spouse must be committed to marital fidelity regardless of the behavior of their marital counterpart. However, withholding due affection makes avoiding sin much harder. It is not just about the satisfaction of a bodily desire, but it is a hindrance to the love and deep intimacy that God intended for the marriage relationship.

So, how seriously has the church taken this? The Puritans considered not giving your spouse due affection a church discipline offense! It truly is a serious matter. If your marriage does not include a healthy sexual relationship (apart from physical limitations of course), then your marriage is in trouble. This is usually a sign of deeper and more serious unresolved issues and you need to seek spiritual guidance. Both you are your spouse are in great danger. Many couples let this go on for years without addressing it because of a false sense of privacy and embarrassment. Do not let this happen to you. Seek pastoral counseling immediately. You desperately need it.