How to Tell Your Pastor that You are Being Abused

Do not wait.  Abuse will not go away or get better over time (Proverbs 19:19).  It is much better to deal with it early than wait until more damage is done.  You want to reach out to your pastor for help, but you are not sure how to do it.  We understand that every situation is unique but we hope that these thoughts can be a help.

• Be safe first.

If it is an emergency call the police first (9-1-1). Domestic violence is a crime. Child abuse is a crime. Law enforcement has a God-ordained purpose and reporting helps officials accomplish that purpose (Romans 13:1-5). Calling the police and having an arrest record or incident report can also be a help later for the pastor in dealing with this situation biblically. This is not betraying your abuser, it is helping him.

Your pastor is not reasonably or legally empowered to be your physical protector.  If you are in physical danger you must protect yourself and your children. You must act. If you need help getting out of the home, call the police, call a relative who can call the police, and do not feel guilty about doing so. If you need a safe place to go, ask your family, social services, and your church leaders. Be determined to get your family and yourself to safety.

• Make an appointment.

Do not tell your pastor during the busy, distracted times before or after church.  What you have to say cannot be conveyed in a casual conversation. Do not drop hints and expect your pastor to respond.  You cannot afford for him to “miss your drift.” Go to his office and speak with him (take someone else with you if you like).

• Be prepared to be specific.

Many who have been abused have been understating the problem to themselves and others for years. If you understate your circumstances to your pastor, he will not have a realistic picture of the need.  This is the time to be brutally honest.

Do not speak in generalities by saying things like “It’s bad”. Be very specific. As much as possible, give dates and times. Describe the entire event. If you did something you think was wrong and triggered the abusive behavior, be open about it (please be clear on this, no “wrong” on your part justifies abuse and abusers are often very effective in manipulating through false guilt). Openness now will help your credibility. Write down the words your abuser used. List specific incidents and injuries. If your pastor is going to confront your abuser, he needs to be able to confront him with rock-solid facts. Abusers lie, deny, and mischaracterize. Give the names of witnesses if there are any. Bring recordings, phone messages, photographs, or any written records.

• Be patient yet persistent with your pastor.

If he is a younger pastor, this may be the first time he has dealt with something like this. The abuse is very clear to you, but it will be new to him. Your abuser might be his close friend. Your abuser’s behavior may seem totally out of character.  It may be hard initially for him to wrap his head around this information. He will want to investigate and verify. Don’t take this as a refusal to believe you.

Be persistent. Some pastors (regrettably, wrongfully) are overwhelmed with the situation and put off dealing with it because they do not know what to do. If nothing happens after you have reported abuse, go again, and again. Ask to be referred to an outside counselor if necessary.

Dealing with this issue can be difficult for the entire church, especially if your abuser is a prominent member of that congregation. Your pastor will have to fill several roles. He must help you, he must face the very difficult task of confronting a likely unrepentant abuser, and he will need to shepherd the entire congregation through this trial as facts become known. This should not keep you from going for help—sin must be addressed and hiding it will hurt the entire congregation–but give your pastor a little room in responding. He has a big job ahead of him. Your abuser is not just sinning against you, he is sinning against God, the rest of your family, and the entire church body.

• Be prepared to participate in the church discipline process.

Besides the potential criminal aspect, spousal abuse between two church members is a matter that will involve the Matthew 18:15-17 process. Make a list of the specific ways in which your abuser has sinned against you. Ask to initiate the discipline process. Tell the pastor that you would like to confront your abuser but you do not believe it is safe for you to do it alone. If your abuser is not a church member, church discipline is not an option. Church discipline is not a substitute for criminal prosecution.

• Do not expect your pastor to keep your visit a secret from your abuser.

If significant sinful behavior is involved and especially if crimes have been committed, he will have to act. In some cases, he is legally required to report to the authorities.

Do not ask him to talk to your abuser but keep your visit with the pastor confidential. Your abuser will figure this all out anyway. There is no real way your pastor can speak to your abuser effectively without explaining how he knows the specifics. If you believe you would be in danger if your abuser found out you met with your pastor, you ought to remove yourself from physical danger (or get help in leaving). It is important, to be honest about the reality of physical danger.

• Do not expect your pastor to be your confidant and emotional support.

He cannot be the shoulder for you to cry on. That would be unwise for him and for you. Ask him to recommend a godly woman in the church to be your confidant, prayer partner, and emotional support. If you know of someone you think would be good to fill that role for you, ask the pastor if that person has the right gifts and spirit to do it.

• Understand that the situation will likely get ugly before it gets better.

Stay the course. Do not leave the church because someone says something that is unkind. Do not seek counsel from many different people in the church.  They will have little real knowledge of the situation at hand or how to deal with it biblically.

Sometimes people in the church say unkind things without understanding the situation (your abuser might be defending himself to his friends). The pastor and church leadership cannot control all these people. Let the pastor or church leader know who said what, and let those people know that if they want more pertinent information, they may speak to the pastor. Remember that a few insensitive, rude, or accusing comments do not reflect the opinions of the entire congregation.

• Be aware that uncovering this sin could end your marriage or relationship.

If your abuser does not respond to confrontation and counsel, if a separation occurs for a long period of time for safety’s sake, abusers will often just file for divorce rather than change. Do not let the possibility of divorce keep you from seeking safety or confronting the sin. An abusive marriage is dangerous to more than just you and will get worse unless addressed (Proverbs 19:19). Confronting the abuser and holding him accountable is the right thing to do regardless of whether he responds positively or not.

• There is hope.

Abusers can respond positively and get the help that they need.  In many cases, this type of story has a happy ending. Confession, true repentance, and restoration is a real hope, but it will not happen while the problem is being ignored.