Regarding Physical Abuse in Marriage
With the firing of Paige Patterson at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, the way pastors have counseled physically abused women has become a serious topic of discussion. It is important that God’s people go on the public record regarding the topic of physical abuse in marriage.
The Bible, in no place, condones physical abuse of spouses.
It clearly condemns physical abuse. Colossians 3:19 commands that husbands not treat their wives “bitterly” or “harshly.” This statement refers to harshness in word and attitude the and therefore would clearly forbid any form of physical abuse. This would include hitting, slapping, punching, pushing etc. but also includes threatening physical harm to a spouse or others. Such behavior is sinful and criminal regardless of whether it is a husband or wife that does it.
Positively, 1 Peter 3:7 says that husbands must dwell with their wives “according to knowledge.” They must know and understand their wives. Gaining such knowledge requires patient observation and communication. Husbands are required to “honor” their wives as the “weaker vessel.” They are required to treat their wives as someone who is delicate and precious. This can only be accomplished through gentleness. Such requirements are the polar opposite of abusive behavior.
An abused spouse can, and probably should, separate.
Women are not required to remain in dangerous circumstances or to keep their children in circumstances where they are in physical danger. This may be the specific situation Paul was considering in 1 Corinthians 7:11 with his “but and if she depart” comment. Separation in some form is an appropriate response based upon biblical principles of self-preservation. Jesus Himself on several occasions chose to escape danger (Luke 4:29-30, John 8:59) and Paul was let down over the wall in a basket to escape those that would do him harm (2 Corinthians 11:32-33). If it is possible for Jesus and Paul to escape from danger, it should also be allowable for those who are often most vulnerable.
An abused spouse has a responsibility to protect the physical well-being of children.
We can, and should, in some cases, turn the other cheek for the sake of the gospel (Matthew 5:39 is probably more about receiving a serious insult rather than enduring physical abuse.*), but we do not have the right to make that choice for someone else. Parents have an obligation to teach, nurture and protect their children. The well-being of children is extremely important to Jesus Himself (Matthew 18:10, Luke 17:2).
When crimes are committed, they should be reported. Remaining and tolerating abuse will only lead to more serious abuse. Christians believe that through repentance and the ministry of the Word of God by the Holy Spirit, people can be transformed and relationships can be restored. Biblical love hopes all things (1 Corinthians 13:7). Taking such abuse seriously is an act of love toward all parties involved and is the first step toward repentance and restoration.
Churches, Counselors and Christian Schools must take steps to prevent abuse.
There are some important ways in which we can do this; I will just mention a couple here.
We can teach about abuse in churches and in Christian Schools. For the last several years I have been teaching a unit on domestic abuse to our high school seniors in their Bible class. We talk about abusers, abuse, and how to recognize it. I want our girls to recognize an abuser before they marry him. I want our young men to understand what types of behaviors are sinful and absolutely forbidden. I want them all to know that physical assault behind the doors of marriage is sin and a crime.
We ought to talk about abuse in premarital counseling. I now require that all couples in premarital counseling visit National Domestic Violence Hotline and talk about whether they agree or do not agree with the definitions of abuse on this site. It is not a Christian site, but it is a great point to start a conversation. If a young woman is going to submit scripturally to a new husband, she certainly ought to know what he thinks is acceptable behavior within a marriage.
There is more we can do, but this is a start. We need to communicate more with each other as pastors, counselors, and Christian workers about what we can do to prevent abuse and help those who are mired in it.
This is an article where we really would appreciate comments, questions, and ideas. Please respond if you can add to the discussion.
*See William Barclay, The Daily Study Bible Series: The Gospel of Matthew, Vol 1 (Revised Edition). p. 166.
I was raised in a non-Christian home. My parents were moral but they had a problem with alcohol. My father taught me that one of the lowest men on earth was a man who hit a woman. Though I saw my parents argue many times and even saw my mother throw things at my dad, I never saw my father raise his hand to my mother. This is a lesson I share in all forms of counseling and from my pulpit regularly.
I have found Proverbs 19:19 helpful, “A man of great wrath will pay the penalty, for if you deliver him, you will only have to do it again.” A man who commits spousal abuse or child abuse must repent of his sins, confess his crimes to civil authorities, and pay his debt to society in order to retain his church membership and ultimately even his family. The abused spouse needs great ecclesial support, however, to have the courage and protection to take this position. I have seen God richly bless a family who did so. Praise Him.
The verse perfectly applies.
Thanks, Kevin. Excellent verse.
This is a good article, I think, as far as it goes. Physical abuse should never be tolerated, that is for sure. What I deal with more than physical abuse, is what some call “emotional abuse,” where a husband (or wife for that matter, but mostly husbands) verbally demeans his wife, beats her down emotionally, and makes her feel inadequate, while he is lazy (at least in matters important to the wife), and tries to dominate over her. Those are difficult to deal with. There are no biblical grounds for divorce (if you believe in such things at all). It is not a criminal offense, per se, so the police really cannot be involved. The wife feels helpless, defeated, and unable to do anything. Perhaps that could be the subject of another post :-).
Thank you for your leadership in this. I have not followed the story closely, but I probably should.
Taigen, I just entered a link to an article from Rick Thomas under “Home and Family” that addresses a biblical response to the emotionally abused woman. While we might not agree with every aspect of the article, it is a worthwhile read.
I have found the studies of this Tyndale House Research Fellow very enlightening and his work has answered many questions that I have had about the common teaching on the issue. It’s on Kindle too. Easy reading that makes things clear for the lay person as well.
http://www.instonebrewer.com/divorceremarriage/
(Editors) We have published Georgetta’s comment here, and we appreciate her desire to be helpful. But it is worthwhile to note that the views of divorce represented in her link do not likely coincide with those of most of our readership. Please be aware. This link might help explain. https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/tragically-widening-the-grounds-of-legitimate-divorce
We have a ministry to churches that helps pastors and other church leaders recognize and respond to abuse. We can be contacted through our Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/psalm82initiative
There are some significant problems that need to be addressed: few genuinely abusive relationships will present to the pastor clearly; abusers are extremely skilled liars and manipulators; pastors both underestimate the prevalence of the problem and overestimate their ability to spot abuse; legal verification of abuse may not be possible until children are traumatized or wives are killed; etc…
These are not minor points, and we welcome anyone who would like to explore how to address these things to contact us.
This is an important comment. Let it sink in, believe it.
I think verbal abuse (which was mentioned briefly) is a very important subject that we should speak out about as well. Verbal abuse often accompanies or proceeds physical abuse, and extended over a significant amount of time can be just as or more harmful. Pastors or deacons who engage in physical or verbal abuse ought to be considered disqualified from the ministry (1 Timothy 3, “pugnacious”).
Good article. Report these kinds of criminals. No one should have to live this way, including Muslims.
Thank you, Bro. Kevin for addressing this matter. For too many years these topics have been swept under the rug and not acknowledged or dealt with Biblically. There are so many precious ladies in our churches who live with this kind of abuse on a daily basis, and we have been taught and reprimanded that we are not being submissive enough. They have nowhere to turn, and in many cases feel helpless to “tattle” on a “leader” in the church, whether he is in a position of leadership or just a faithful church member. I, as a mother of college-age young adults, appreciate your counseling of teens and young people who are of marrying age. This is a MUST today, if we want our next generation of Bible-believing Chirstians to have healthy families. I’ve heard it said that our churches are only as strong as our families. I also feel that emotional and verbal abuse of women needs to be addressed as well. I have attended scores of women’s conferences and retreats, including many in our state of AZ, and never once heard any discussion or advice given to ladies on these topics. And while many of us do not have to live with this kind of mistreatment and shame, (praise God), we will and do encounter it in the ladies that are in our churches. We also feel helpless, and often can only listen and pray, because we do not feel equipped. I hope this can be a start to addressing this issue in our churches and youth groups, colleges, etc.
Kim. Thank you for your encouragement. I do know that these situations are some of the most difficult pastors face.
Kevin and Tom make excellent points. Abusers are skilled in covering sin. An antidote is Kevins exposure of these sins through a thorough Biblical analysis AND publickly preaching these truths to the congregation. It is entirely possible that spouses and/or children may not recognize abuse and its sinfulness when it is happening in the home. The light of the Word is essential to discernment and exposure. Too long this has been a taboo topic. The reason many believe . . ., “PTL in our church we don’t have any abuse” is because those impacted in the home do not recognize it as sin either. Like the proverbial frog in water pot–abuse begins as warm water and it becomes tolerated and ignored. This is not the only sin covered up in the home. “Protecting the family reputation” is the opposite of Godly, Biblical confrontation. BUT–the only way our people will recognize abuse in the home is if Holy Spirit gifted pastors boldly teach this truth to our families. Bold preaching, which includes the responsive guidance Kevin articulates, could also be used by the Spirit to convict the “developing” abuser to see his or her sin and to seek help and forgiveness before wounded spirits, injury, a destroyed marrage and legal repercussions are harvested as the fruit of this sin. Historically, our movement as been aggressively militant against many things–but regarding this wickedness–crickets. A failure of courage?
Excellent John. We were just talking about this today as a staff. Preaching about this from pulpits–in detail–could go a long way toward prevention or at least nipping the problem early. I am not sure why we have not preached about this as much as we should have. I don’t think its a failure of courage. I think its just a matter of awareness and traditional approach. Abuse is something that we have approached privately, not publicly. It’s time to focus on prevention as well as resolution.
Maybe courage is the wrong word. Maybe confidence is better. In general, I find application of the word to contemporary topics pretty scarce. I rarely hear a well-researched message on spousal/child abuse, alcohol & drug abuse, premarital sex, coarse speech, or the (I believe) imperative that young people attend a transformational Christian College. I am beginning to believe that the greatest need in Bible preaching churches is pastoral modeling of strong apologetics. Shockingly few average members have much understanding regarding the WHY? of many of our Biblical distinctions related to Godly living in a worldly society.
With the emphasis on expository preaching in recent years, we have moved away from these topics. Maybe preachers never really addressed such issues as this. We are not going to address such topics just by preaching through books. We might have to add some much needed variety in our preaching and approach these issues in a more systematic way. I am have been convinced of the need for the “why” for years. That is why in our senior Bible class in our Christian School we spend all year talking about “why.” We keep the format open and non-judgmental and let the kids ask every “why” question they can think of. We end up covering, drinking, tattoos, pre-marital sex, marijuana, divorce and remarriage, friendships and myriads of other things.
The side benefit of answering the “why” questions from scripture is that it helps develop discerning thinking in young people. They develop the ability to address novel issues with clear thinking from the word.
I agree that this is a subject that needs to be dealt with directly, but I have been preaching expositionally through the Psalms and 1 Samuel and found fertile soil for applications about physical and verbal abuse. Saul seems to me to be a “classic” abuser with many examples, and Psalm 10 is a particularly helpful description of the wicked man who preys on those weaker than him, using his mouth and his violence and denying that God sees what he is doing. I would agree that you may not deal with the issue of abuse if you are not aware of it or thinking about it as you preach expositionally, but I believe there are many opportunities to address this issue through appropriate applications from the life of Saul and the description of the wicked man in the Psalms. We certainly need to expose this sin in the church. It will thrive without confrontation.